Sunday, September 2, 2018

A Trip to the Grocery Store

I was on the verge of having an aneurysm during my trip to the grocery store this morning. Every part of the journey frustrated me.

It began with the trip there. I needed to travel a little further this time, since my standard food outlet doesn't carry the requisite alcohol for the stew I'm cooking this week. All well and good. Unfortunately, the gods decided the extra distance would be an excellent opportunity to test my patience, as I needed to stop for every… single… stoplight.

When the lights finally deigned to turn green, the drivers in front of me completely forgot how gas pedals work. After a few presidential administrations of me losing my mind, those cars eventually got up to speed, which was approximately five miles under the speed limit, by their reckoning. This resulted, of course, in all of us missing the next traffic light. I could feel the grey hairs forming when I finally reached the grocery store and parked.

Filling the shopping cart was blessedly uneventful. I was cooling down from the ride when I finally reached the checkout line. Naturally, only two lanes were open, so the lines were, at a conservative estimate, thirty miles long. I squeaked my cart to the end of the queue somewhere in Azerbaijan and hunkered down for a long wait. By the time I caught sight of a cashier, I was wizened and malnourished.

My natural impatience was compounding the annoyance from the commute a lifetime ago, but I was finally here. The promised land. The conveyor was within my reach. I was fully prepared to begin unloading my cart, but the lady directly in front of me was very busy leaning against the end, blocking all access. I was going to say something, but my stiff upper lip precluded any formation of actual words with my mouth. I remained silent, and waited. Employing the sunk cost fallacy, I rationalized "what's a few more hours of waiting?"

Then, the lady in front of the lady in front of me did something I am still incapable of grokking. As the cashier was processing her five-hundred shopping carts' worth of goods, she looked over her kingdom and decided that two bottles of Pine-Sol was too extravagant. Rather than hand it to the cashier and say something along the lines of "I don't need this," like some kind of human being, she picks it up and tosses it into one of the hand baskets someone left under the conveyor belt. I leaned against my cart, agog at what I just witnessed. What did she think that basket did? Teleport the goods back to the shelf? Melt the cleaner into its constituent atoms for future integration into the universe? Provide a path to Narnia? Such was the depth of my incomprehension at this middle-aged Hispanic lady's action that I was shouting in my head, "that's it lady! Get me a pillow case! I'm joinin' the Klan!"

At last, my time had come. The cashier began beeping through my future purchases. Being the savvy and caring shopper I am, I already had my reusable grocery bags ready and waiting. I have four, a number which has never failed to comfortably carry a standard week's worth of groceries. In a shockingly blatant display of black magic, the cashier somehow fit all of my groceries into two ultra-dense bags. I was legitimately worried those bags would collapse into a singularity if I added even a single candy bar. I was fully prepared to provide testimony against her in a future witch-burning trial.

I was glad to finally turn my back to the store, but I still wasn't home yet. The ride home broke every last thread of human decency and rational thought. There was a driver in front of me. A very slow driver. I was fairly certain he or she was training to achieve their lifelong dream of being the lead car in a Macy's Day Parade. This car was taking the exact same route as me, down to entering the same apartment complex, so I was stuck behind this car for the entire trip. I'm pretty sure I didn't get home until just before the heat death of the universe.

As I was putting my groceries away, I learned that one of my eggs broke in transit.

I've been curled up crying in the shower for the last five hours.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Top 10 Games of 2017

This has been the Year of Not Enough Time. I have a huge pile of games that I haven't had the chance to play (Wolfenstein 2, Pyre, Neir: Automata, &c.). I have another, similarly sized pile of games I haven't had the chance to finish (Assassin's Creed Origins, Hollow Knight, Tales of Berseria, &c.). 2017 was busy. In spite of that, it was a good year for video games. Here is my Top 10 for 2017.



10. Sonic Mania


It has been a long time, but Sega finally decided to listen to fans and let Sonic return to formula; Sonic Mania is just as fast and fun as Sonic games of yore. Unfortunately, by sticking too close to the source material, it drags in one of the biggest flaws of yesterday that modern games have grown out of: an obsolete lives system. I think back to Rayman Origins and Super Mario Odyssey that did away with the concept of extra lives, resulting in games that flow better and are far less frustrating to play when your time is crunched.

9. Divinity: Original Sin 2


I am starting to warm to modern CRPGs. I confess to not being a fan of older CRPGs, but sometimes the new ones hit the sweet spot. Divinity: OS2 is one of those games. The characters were fascinating, and the choices felt like they mattered. The downside is the game's bugginess, particularly in the late game. It didn’t break the game, but the bugs certainly pulled me out of it.

8. Tales of Berseria


The Tales of series is hit-or-miss for me. I either love them or hate them. This one happened to fall in the "love" column. It adds a nice spin to the standard JRPG formula by making the player characters, ostensibly, the bad guys. It is more intriguing than I anticipated. On the other hand, a lot of them sound like the kind of characters that would come out of an 11-year-old's fanfic. "I'm a loose cannon on a quest for revenge with my demon's left hand!" "I'm a pirate captain; call me The Reaper." "I'm a samurai that will never unsheathe my sword until I meet my True Rival." It's all very cringe-worthy.

7. Mass Effect: Andromeda


I know Mass Effect: Andromeda gets a lot of crap, but I feel it is undeserved. I think its biggest fault is that it has to compare itself to the might of the original Mass Effect trilogy. I, personally, see it in a better light when I compare it to the original Mass Effect. Neither game was perfect, but they were still fun, and set an amazing stage for future adventures. I can only hope EA doesn't scrap it entirely, but builds off of the groundwork, as they did with Mass Effect 2.

6. Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice


I am only about half-way through this game, but everything I have seen so far is amazing. Steam lists it as an action game, but I consider it more of a walking simulator with occasional fighting. You walk through an absolutely beautiful world filled with death and despair. Adding to that is the main character's psychosis, which the load screen appropriately recommends experiencing with quality headphones. It all adds to a truly spooky experience that never resorts to cheap jump scares.

5. Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Battle


This game earns Biggest Surprise of 2017. When I first saw the marketing material for a game mixing Mario with Rayman's annoying, minion-like rabbids, I shook my head in disgust. "My God, my God, why have you forsaken us?" Lo and behold, the game came out, and it was amazing. It is a deep, but not crushingly deep, strategy game that gives you just enough challenge to make you think, but not so much that you quit in frustration. All they need to do for perfection is ditch the rabbids altogether and just make it a Mario game. Please and thank you, Ubisoft.

4. Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild


Well now, this game has won nearly every award ever created by mankind. When I glance at the roughly 145 hours I have clocked in the game, I can sort of understand. It is an amazing world to explore and goof around in. However, I don't feel it is the Second Coming of Jesus that many reviewers are declaring. It took me a while to rationalize my feelings, but I eventually come to this conclusion: Breath of the Wild is more a tool for relaxing than for explicitly having fun. There is something calming about exploring the world, but I never found myself waiting anxiously for the next moment I could steal a chance to play. A more appropriate expression would be, "oh, I have a little bit of free time, let me squeeze in a few minutes with Zelda." There's nothing wrong with that, mind you, but it does prevent it from climbing any higher on this list.

3. Assassin’s Creed Origins


It seems Ubisoft's little vacation from the Assassin's Creed series was a good decision. This world is big, and, most importantly, worth exploring. Like Skyrim, there is reason to go off the beaten path and explore various nooks and crannies. The new Ancient Egypt setting is also extremely fascinating. I often find myself walking around and just looking at all the stuff going on in the background. Farmers moving water from trenches, merchants peddling their wares, birds flying around a lily-filled river. It is all very pretty to look at. I am truly looking forward to the upcoming Tourism Mode DLC Ubisoft announced.

2. Super Mario Odyssey


I don't know how Nintendo does it, but they just know how to distill fun into a pure, addictive substance. Super Mario Odyssey is basically a perfect game, and mandates the purchase of a Switch.

1. Hollow Knight


Hollow Knight finally forced me to admit that maybe, just maybe, not all metroidvania games are trash. I am still not entirely sure how it did it. It could be the art style, which is simple yet hauntingly beautiful. It could be the tight controls that flow smoothly from movement to movement. It could be the amazing soundtrack that perfectly fits the setting. It could be the NPCs that are funny and interesting, but never annoying. Maybe it is a combination of everything. Whatever black magic Team Cherry used, Hollow Knight is one of the greatest platformers I have ever played in a long time.

Honorable Mentions


Pokemon: Gold

I played this game a lot when it released for the 3DS, but I must sadly disqualify it for technically being released in 2000.

Stardew Valley

I played this game a lot when it released for the Switch, but I must sadly disqualify it for technically being released in 2016.

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

I played this game a lot when it released for the Switch, but I must sadly disqualify it for technically being released in 2011.

Dear Esther: Landmark Edition

I played this game a lot when it released a Landmark Edition on Steam, but I must sadly disqualify it for technically being released in 2012.